What Is Happiness?

[Henry]

What Is Happiness?

FACTS ABOUT HAPPINESS
I believe that every human being has the potential to develop a solid, long-lasting core of happiness. Some spend a lifetime meditating, reading self-help books, or doing drugs in order to find a moment of happiness, but in doing so, they miss the point.

Happiness is not a final destination. It is a process, a journey, a by-product of a life well lived.

Only you can define exactly what happiness is for you and your family. And only you will know when you are feeling it. I, along with other folks who have kindly shared their insights on family happiness in this book, can offer only guidance and advice based on our own experiences that we hope will help you find your way to your own happiness.

So let’s begin by reviewing some facts from happiness researchers, who look past plastic surgery, fancy homes, and lots of money for the true source of happiness. Research points to specific concrete things that do in fact nurture internal, long-term happiness.

That list includes the following:

Religion. Involvement in faith improves social and community
ties, which leads to greater happiness.

Sense of humor. People with a hopeful outlook that demonstrates
joy to others are less likely to be dragged down by
negative events.

Free time. Activities that combine socializing, physical activity,
and the need for some level of skill are shown to lead to
happiness.

Social skills. Friendship brings joy and opportunities for cooperation,
sharing, and laughter.

Being cooperative. People who enjoy getting along with other
people report higher levels of happiness.

Volunteering. “In one study, volunteer and charity work generated
more joy than anything except dancing,” reports
Psychology Today writer Kathleen McGowan. “The sense of
accomplishment, the social connection and the chance to
do something meaningful are what make it so much fun.”

Secrets of Happy Families
Love the Ones You’re With
I love my life! Happiness is about loving the ones you are with
and loving them right, as well as loving them the way you want
to be loved in return! Sure, I am like most others when it comes
to money and such—always wanting more of that—but when it
comes down to what truly matters in this world—love—I feel
rich as they come!
—Roxanna, 32, married 8 years, with two children (husband adopted one of her children)

Happiness Is Somewhere in Between
Some people can never be happy unless the conditions are what
they consider to be absolutely perfect. The job, the house, the
money in the bank, their waistline, hairline, kids’ school, you
name it. They have to have all of the above to be happy at all.
They think that some day when all this happens at once, they’ll
find true happiness. And they’re always disappointed, whether they
get it or not, since the list of requirements keeps getting longer.
Other people manage to find a little joy here and there—enough
to keep them happy. They cherish and savor each one of these
moments that might be overlooked by someone else. And they’re
always smiling like idiots—even though the rest of us can’t see any reason to smile.

I try hard not to be the first type, and I wish very hard that I
could be the second type. But with all the demands of life, I’m just
happy to be somewhere in between.
—Charles, 49, married 28 years

Not coincidentally, all these doors to happiness were mentioned by many who responded to my online Happy Family Survey. Surely there is something profound and consistent in them. According to Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman, the founder of positive psychology and one of the world’s authorities on happiness, that’s because each of these elements promotes the human characteristics that correlate with happiness: selflessness, gratitude, hope, zest, and the ability to love and be loved.

When we open all these doors, we experience the three factors
that Seligman believes must all be present if we are to be happy:
1. A pleasant life full of pleasure, joy, and good times. It’s easy
for most of us to think of the elements that make up the pleasant
life, and those things are, as your grandmother always said, not necessarily
what money can buy. In fact, money in and of itself does
nothing to improve your level of happiness. Research shows that if
you’re dirt poor, money does help improve your sense of well-being,
but once an individual or family is out of poverty, increasing
amounts of money do nothing to increase their happiness.4

SECRETS FROM RESEARCH
Happiness Is in Giving It Away
Money may not be able to buy happiness, but giving it away
can lift your spirits. Research subjects were given money. Half
were told to keep all of it; the other half were asked to give it
away to a friend or a charity. Later in the evening, when the
investigators asked the subjects about how happy they were in
general, the ones who gave away money felt significantly happier.
It’s not receiving money but how you spend it that affects
how good you feel.3

When I ask families to think about pleasurable events in their
lives, they often recollect moments of togetherness, such as the time
that there was a blackout, and they played cards by candlelight, or
the family camping trip when they all tipped over in the rowboat.
Even those nights soaking in the hot tub can create very special
family moments, according to a close friend of mine. You might
think that this is a good example of money buying happiness, but
my friend Russell insists that it’s not the hot tub itself that he loves.
“When I sit outside with my kids or my wife, there’s no television
and no telephone. It’s a great chance to catch up without distraction.”
(Of course, the jets of hot water soothing his sore muscles are pretty nice too.)

Pleasure in life can be found in many activities, from singing
together to playing video games together. If you’re having fun, it’s
one important element to true happiness—but not the only one.

SECRETS FROM RESEARCH
Happiness Is Relative
In 1974, economist Richard Easterlin published a study that
became known as the Easterlin paradox. He found that having
more money (absolute income) did not necessarily lead to more
life satisfaction. Instead, it set the bar of happiness a bit higher.
Relative income (how much one earns compared to others), in
contrast, had a direct correlation to satisfaction levels.5
Let’s say you get a whopping raise in pay and buy a larger
house and better car, but then find out that your brother or sister
or friend or neighbor or colleague (it really doesn’t matter
who) got a bigger raise and a bigger house and a better car. In
this relative circumstance, you’re likely to feel less happy than
you were before you got your raise. So much for money making you happy.

2. An engaged life, in which you lose yourself to some passion
or activity. When you spend time doing something you love,
doesn’t time fly? People who let themselves be absorbed in their
activities tend to be happier than those who remain detached and
uninterested. Families who find a shared interest seem to connect,
to engage each other in their pursuit of fun.

Finding a way to be with the family and to do engaging activities
can be a challenge, though, because the thing you may love can
be a real downer to your clan. An example: my wife and son love
to shop for clothes; my daughter and I are of the “see what you
want, buy it, get out of the store” breed. It’s clear that being in the
mall together is a potential source of unhappiness. To solve the
problem, my wife and son go to Macy’s, while I peruse the Apple
store and my daughter meets up with a friend at the Uno Chicago
Grill for one of those fresh-baked chocolate-chip cookies. Thus each
of us is engaged, and when we meet later that day in the parking
lot, our family happiness quotient is off the charts (until the credit
card bill arrives, that is!).

Think about the times you’ve returned from the Fotomat store
with hundreds of photos from your family vacation. When you sit
around the dinner table absorbed in recollection, that’s engagement,
and it’s one of the ways you build happiness as a family.

Talk and Sleep and Play Together
I’ve been divorced and widowed, a single parent for more than sixteen
years, and now very happily married for eight years to my third
husband. I know I can survive and thrive alone . . . I’ve done it. But
Richard enhances my life so much by his insights, generosity, and
thoughtfulness. There is a respect and a deep sense of liking the




other that permeates everything. We have a mutual ability to make
one another laugh and an inability to stay angry with each other for
any length of time. And, thank goodness, we have the wisdom to
cultivate this relationship by “running away” every three or four
months to B&Bs where we can talk and sleep and play together.

Happiness as an individual is really an extension of this deep
emotional satisfaction as Richard’s wife. I try to nurture all my relationships,
as a mother to four kids, a daughter to elderly parents, a
sister to four siblings, and a friend to a variety of women I’ve met in
all the stages of my life. They all enrich my life and give me insights
and strength in different ways.

I don’t think of happiness as a constant or as a guarantee in life.
Richard and I have struggled with all sorts of problems. But it is the
knowledge that despite all my flaws and failings he is with me for
“the long haul” that ultimately makes me feel safe and at peace.
Maybe that’s a better way to put it . . . I don’t have the constant
happiness of a fairy tale but the overall contentment of being in a lifetime friendship.
—Janet, age 54, married 8 years



3. A meaningful life. A meaningful life may not have many
high moments or blissful immersions, but it is packed with purpose.
Ah, if only sitting in the hot tub, absorbed in memories of the
trip to Kokomo Bay, would be all we needed for complete happiness!
Although the science of positive psychology says that the first
two factors are necessary, this third leg on the stool of real happiness,
finding meaning in your actions, is critical.

Are your actions focused only on the here and now, or are you
able to think about the greater good when you consider how you
relate to the world? In the pages of this book, you’ll read about the
Gemma family, who initiated a national campaign to fight breast
cancer after the death of their matriarch; you’ll meet Sarah and Bill,
whose children donated instruments to the Mr. Holland’s Opus
foundation; and you’ll hear about Jan and her husband, who over
the years have provided a foster home for boys in need. One common
theme threads through these stories: these people are layering
their life with meaning, with an eye toward doing things that matter,
not just to them, but to the world as a whole.

Many families don’t have the resources to develop a charitable
foundation or raise a foster child, but every family can do things that
leave a lasting impact on the world. Taking the family for a day of
picking up garbage from the beach (usually on Earth Day) or going
through the pantry for items to contribute when the Cub Scouts
come by to collect food for the needy are just two examples of fun
activities that, because of their contribution to the greater good,
lead to happiness.

HAPPINESS THAT DOESN’T WAVER
What all this tells us is that when psychologists talk about happiness,
they don’t generally mean that heady feeling one gets after
winning fifty bucks on a lottery ticket, or the satisfaction one feels

SECRETS FROM RESEARCH
Source of Joy
Happiness hides in the most interesting places. Dr. Nansook
Park, a coauthor with Dr. Seligman, tells us that expressing
gratitude to another person can actually make us happier.
Here’s how: “Gratitude boosts the morale of the person who
receives it,” Park explains. “That person tries to do better, and
your relationship with him or her becomes stronger and you
both feel happier.”6

when the home team comes in first again, or even the joy of an
exhilarating run on the ski slope. They define it as a sense of deep
contentment. That is the definition on which this book rests.
Yes, happy families have their moments of exhilaration, satisfaction,
and joy, but they also are bound to have times of anger, sorrow,
and despair. The factor that bolsters the good times and still
defines a family as happy in the bad times is that feeling of deep
contentment that transcends the momentary pleasures and pains.
It does not waver based on the size of the home or the quality of TV
reception or the cost of one’s vacation.

Instead, contentment is something that grows over time, draws
its strength from small day-to-day events and decisions, and plants
its roots in activities that give our days meaning and purpose—without
a conscious desire to own happiness. This view of happiness
reminds me of the beliefs of John Stuart Mill, a nineteenth-century
English philosopher: “Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you
cease to be so. The only chance is to treat, not happiness, but some
end external to it, as the purpose of life.”7